You know… I had planned on taking one more day off, before coming back to this blog, and then Charles Kuffner (from offthekuff.com) had to throw in the fodder, like it’s going out of style.

Kuffner has solicited many of the candidates in this month’s run off election.  …I suppose I should qualify that, so it doesn’t sound as it he is prostituting himself, shouldn’t I?  What I mean is that he has sent a request to the candidates, asking them to reply with a 500 word, five paragraph themed essay explaining why we should vote for them… and yes, spelling counts.

In reality, Kuffner simply asked for a write-up of their choice.  He received responses from four of the candidates: Radnofsky (US Senate), Alvarado (Lt. Governor), Grant (Lt. Governor), and Ankrum (10th Congressional District).  All candidates are in the Democratic party primaries.

After reading the spiel, I was rather impressed.  It appears that the majority of candidates stayed well away from the “traditional” “you should hire me because my opponent sucks Chef’s chocolate, salty balls” type of campaign.  Just for kicks - and because no one is immune from the snark - let’s take a good look at each candidate’s commentary.

Barbara Radnofsky

Radnofsky kept it simple with a nine point list.  I won’t list every point here, but I will list points number four and nine. Why those points?  Because those are the only points where Radnofsky took a specific slam at her opponent.

4. Eugene Kelly is a spoiler, a ticket-splitter, and Karl Rove’s dream nominee: he is a non-campaigning recluse, a proven loser against Hutchison, and an enemy of the Democratic Party in Texas. He runs on the strength of his name’s similarity with Gene Kelly and can’t even dance, much less run an efficient statewide campaign. He has beaten good Democrats in statewide races before by considerable margins, and represents a significant threat.

Heaven forbid a man that can’t dance, EVER getting into the Senate!  He just wouldn’t be able to keep up with those nightly black-tie balls.  After all (and all together, gang), THEY’VE GOT THE BIGGEST BALLS OF THEM ALL!

9. As a first-time candidate with a unique last name and no prior political experience, I beat my two challengers by a comfortable margin, though the name Gene Kelly pulls up 19 million hits on Google.

19 million hits?!  He must be a shoe-in.  Oh.. wait…  There’s only one problem.  The first upteen million hits are all for the original Gene Kelly.  Perhaps he should run, and see what happens.  …he’s dead, though, yes?  Well, then again, it may not make that much of a difference whether he’s dead, or not!

MARIA ALVARADO

Alvarado is running for Lt. Governor, her runoff oponent is the illustrious Ben Grant (who should change his name to Fred Estair (or at least Fred Mertz) for a better shot).

Alvarado starts off by offering herself to sainthood:

I am glad for this “Off the Kuff” opportunity to offer all Texas voters reasons to vote for me in the run-off election for lieutenant governor. A fundamental reason shared by all is a desire to replace the incumbent with an elected official that is intent on serving all Texans. I believe that, with all due respect and admiration for my opponent, I am the candidate that can fight the incumbent’s war chest with the will of people. I have been to the most humble
of homes to some very affluent homes to talk about my vision of a one Texas for all. I have not tried to convert anyone from his or her political reference group. I have only offered everyone a place at the table if they would set aside politics as usual and instead consider that a candidate without connections and millions of dollars would be accountable only to the people. (Emphasis, mine)

Alvarado then goes on to give us this gem:

A related reason to vote for me in the run-off election is that my pursuit is not just about getting the Democratic nomination.

It appears her pursuit is “…reaching out to registered voters that do not vote,” and “…the task of engaging these voters as a long-term but overdue mandate.”

She then goes on to explain why she - apparently above all others - can access these 10 million voters: “…because I am not afraid to listen. I am not afraid to care. I believe outreach and urging these voters is essential for getting Democrats elected to office.”

Wait a minute, Maria…  Didn’t you just say a few minutes ago that “…my pursuit is not just about getting the Democratic nomination”?  So… a reason to vote for you, is that you’re urging voters to vote Democrat… and yet your pursuit is not just about the nomination?

If you are a Democrat, vote for me in the run-off election and I will exert my work ethic to defend against naysayers that deny the vitality of the Democratic Party. They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Start today a habit to reject the naysayer and instead believe!

…While I’m at it, I’ll give up cigarettes, and my bottle of scotch, as well.  I’m sorry, I just found that whole combination of words, irregular.

As your nominee for lieutenant governor, I will begin demonstrating my work ethic as your next lieutenant governor by being present each day of the next special session. As your nominee, I will encourage all voters that when in doubt vote Democratic up and down the ballot in November. I’ve given you the “how” of my campaign. The “why” of my campaign is to put the people back in control of their government so that priorities are given to public education, healthcare, and a prosperous future for all. Tied to a
prosperous future are all the issues that I have been informed about during my visits across the state. I have listened and I will continue to listen. As your lieutenant governor, no lobbyist will mute your voice.

HEY!  She ends really well! (Well, it’s not the last paragraph, but you don’t want to read that whole spiel, heh.)

BEN GRANT

Grant is Alvarado’s opponent…

Born the son of a country preacher, Grant worked a lot of hardscrabble jobs to get an education…

No, really… I shit you not:

I was born the son of a country preacher. I have worked at a lot of hardscrabble jobs to get an education. I have a law degree from the University of Texas Law School. I have taught in the public schools, served ten years in the Texas Legislation (six years as chairman of the Judiciary Committee). I served four years as District Judge and 17 years as a justice on the 6th Court of Appeals.

You know, I looked long and hard to find something to snark about with Grant… the above was the best I got…  He really got me with this paragraph:

My experience, my willingness to work with people for the common good, and my true concern for our state qualifies me to serve the people of this state. I am running for Lt. Governor, because I believe government should represent all the people, not just a few elite, selfish, special interest groups. I am running because I believe all power is inherent in the people and government should be the servant of the people.

See, I like it when candidates are short, to the point, list their qualifications, and leave it at that.  Grant’s got my vote (well, he had it before, but that’s beside the point, heh).

TED ANKRUM

Ankrum is a candidate for the 10th congressional district.  His opponent is Paul Foreman, who declined to participate in this little event.

Ankrum starts by saying that he spent his time in the primary running against the Republic incumbent… Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot?  Seems he was running the wrong race, there…

He follows this this little bit of self-serve trivia: “Every major newspaper in the District has said that I’m the only Democrat that has a chance of beating [Republican Incumbent Mike] McCaul.”

Ankrum then loses my interest, completely, by drawing in Vietnam.  It’s his second freaking paragraph, and he’s ALREADY using VIET-FSCKING-NAM as a campaign push.  Oy vey.. Read:

When I was serving four tours in Vietnam, I learned that Democracy was not a gift to be bestowed by the American government, and that American troop’s sacrifices would not make any difference in the outcome of another country’s civil war.

Ohhh… I see.  He’s not letting Vietnam die (trust me, folks, it’s been flatlining for years.  If we’d just quit slapping the paddles on it, every so often, we could call the time of death)… not letting it die, to dis the Iraq thing.  Hmm…  Despite my misgivings about Iraq, I have to admit, we made a freaking difference, yes?

Oooo…  Just what I like to see after a war…  A good mud slinging fight:

When I was Chief of Environmental Compliance at NASA, I learned first-hand how corrupt Tom Delay was. He tried to pressure me into allowing a contributor to do a job at Johnson Space Center with equipment that violated the Montreal Treaty to protect the earth’s ozone layer. He didn’t stop until I threatened to go to the Washington Post newspaper.

For a total of seven paragraphs, Ankrum toots his own horn.  He then goes on, in the eighth paragraph, to start the attack on Foreman (his runoff competitor):

What was my runoff competitor, Paul Foreman, doing while I was learning those things and a lot of others? Running a bookstore in Austin and writing poetry.

Well, I’m sorry.  He uses two sentences.  Then he goes right back to:

Evidently others agree, since I received the endorsement of every newspaper Editorial Board and Democratic club, after head to head debate. Austin-American Statesman: “One of the four Democrats, Ted Ankrum, is clearly the best Choice.” Houston Chronicle: “The Chronicle urges voters to support Ted Ankrum.” Austin Chronicle: ” It is Ted Ankrum who offers the best chance.”

Ted finally finishes up his letter with a single line:

 I ask Democrats to vote for me, because it is so important that a Democrat be elected in November.

…But Ted… Foreman’s a democrat, too…

(SOURCES: Ankrum, Grant, Alvarado, Radnofsky (All from Off the Kuff dot com))