The road of victory is the road that will take our troops home. As we make progress on the ground, and Iraqi forces increasingly take the lead, we should be able to further decrease our troop levels — but those decisions will be made by our military commanders, not by politicians in Washington, D.C.

Now if he would just sign an executive order stating that HE cannot make those decicions - because, right now, he can, folks. Commander-in-chief, and all of that? Remember?

Our coalition has learned from our experience in Iraq.

Funny, in one paragraph it went from being all us, to being the coalition.

We’ve adjusted our military tactics and changed our approach to reconstruction. Along the way, we have benefitted from responsible criticism and counsel offered by members of Congress of both parties.

…nah, that’s just too easy…

In the coming year, I will continue to reach out and seek your good advice. Yet, there is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success, and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure.

Is anyone else seeing him drawing party lines in his head as he said that?

Hindsight alone is not wisdom, and second-guessing is not a strategy.

Actually, so long as you second-guess yourself BEFORE you commit, it’s an excellent strategy to avoid catastrophic mistakes.

Our men and women in uniform are making sacrifices — and showing a sense of duty stronger than all fear. They know what it’s like to fight house to house in a maze of streets, to wear heavy gear in the desert heat, to see a comrade killed by a roadside bomb. And those who know the costs also know the stakes. Marine Staff Sergeant Dan Clay was killed last month fighting in Fallujah. He left behind a letter to his family, but his words could just as well be addressed to every American. Here is what Dan wrote: “I know what honor is. … It has been an honor to protect and serve all of you. I faced death with the secure knowledge that you would not have to…. Never falter! Don’t hesitate to honor and support those of us who have the honor of protecting that which is worth protecting.”

Come on… you had to know he had an “ace” up his sleeve, somewhere. And here it comes:

Staff Sergeant Dan Clay’s wife, Lisa, and his mom and dad, Sara Jo and Bud, are with us this evening. Welcome. (Applause.)

Yep.

Our nation is grateful to the fallen, who live in the memory of our country. We’re grateful to all who volunteer to wear our nation’s uniform — and as we honor our brave troops, let us never forget the sacrifices of America’s military families. (Applause.)

My father was a Marine. Several uncles have been in various branches of the military, both drafted, and career. I am proud to support our military, even when I do not agree with the reasons they are in action.

Our offensive against terror involves more than military action. Ultimately, the only way to defeat the terrorists is to defeat their dark vision of hatred and fear by offering the hopeful alternative of political freedom and peaceful change.

Years ago, a gentlman by the name of Garth Algar said it best: “We fear change.”*

Personally, I feel that this is precisely what those who oppose feel, as well. Whether they fear change, or simply don’t want it, offering it to them is a bit like offering a buffet to an anorexic. They won’t take it. It’ll be, pretty much, and endless fight, in some form or fashion.

(Garth Algar is a character created by Dana Carvey, for Saturday Night Live. The above line was spoken during the movie “Wayne’s World.”)

So the United States of America supports democratic reform across the broader Middle East.

We’re up to making demands, now.

Hold on. Wait just a #@%#@! second, here! Who the heck are we to make demands on other countries? Haven’t wars started this way? Oh… wait…

Democracies in the Middle East will not look like our own…

But yet, time and time again, it seems like I hear people saying that’s what they want. Sure, they’re not saying it outright, but every thing I hear makes me feel like they want an American style democracy in whichever place.

Yet liberty is the future of every nation in the Middle East, because liberty is the right and hope of all humanity. (Applause.)

I believe in the existance of a higher power (i.e. God). I also believe that higher power has (or at least, had,) a plan for us. When I die, I hope I get the chance to ask if liberty really was the right of all humanity. (I’m not saying it shouldn’t be.)

The same is true of Iran, a nation now held hostage by a small clerical elite that is isolating and repressing its people.

WHAM! BOOM! You heard it here, folks. The turning of the tides. The statement that said - way in advance - that our next target would be Iran.

The Iranian government is defying the world with its nuclear ambitions,

…at least the transcriber spelled it, correctly.

and the nations of the world must not permit the Iranian regime to gain nuclear weapons.

Is anyone else tired of hearing this members-only bullshit when it comes to nuclear technology, or is it just me? Look, I wouldn’t have a single problem with it if the United States, et al, were destroying their own nuclear arsenals. They’re not, however. They’re simply saying that no other country is allowed to join the ranks of the “nuclear elite.”

Tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran: America respects you, and we respect your country. We respect your right to choose your own future and win your own freedom. And our nation hopes one day to be the closest of friends with a free and democratic Iran.

“…oh, and by the way, our military is going to drop by and start kicking ass until you all decide to become good little pseudo-Americans.” (The preceeding quote is satire, and was not actually spoken by the President.)

To overcome dangers in our world, we must also take the offensive by encouraging economic progress, and fighting disease, and spreading hope in hopeless lands.

Wave bye-bye to the military, and say hello to AIDS.

Isolationism would not only tie our hands in fighting enemies, it would keep us from helping our friends in desperate need. We show compassion abroad because Americans believe in the God-given dignity and worth of a villager with HIV/AIDS,

Told you.

…and what about those Americans who do not believe in God? Hmm.. I wonder who they believe hands out Dignity.

or an infant with malaria, or a refugee fleeing genocide, or a young girl sold into slavery.

A seedy and unsavory portion of the Internet started salivating with that last one.

We also show compassion abroad because regions overwhelmed by poverty, corruption, and despair are sources of terrorism, and organized crime, and human trafficking, and the drug trade.

Whoops. Sorry… terrorism appeared again. Guess I was wrong.

In recent years, you and I have taken unprecedented action to fight AIDS

Damnit, he’s making my head spin, now. Military, AIDS, military, AIDS, young girls… (It’s coming, trust me:)

and malaria, expand the education of girls,

See?

and reward developing nations that are moving forward with economic and political reform. For people everywhere, the United States is a partner for a better life.

*except for radical Islam

I urge members of Congress to serve the interests of America by showing the compassion of America.

Because after all of the crap we’ve been in the last few years, we need something to make us look good.

Our country must also remain on the offensive against terrorism here at home. The enemy has not lost the desire or capability to attack us. Fortunately, this nation has superb professionals in law enforcement, intelligence, the military, and homeland security. These men and women are dedicating their lives, protecting us all, and they deserve our support and our thanks.

WOOT!

They also deserve the same tools they already use to fight drug trafficking and organized crime — so I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act.

FOUL!!! FOUL!!! NO FAIR!!! FOUL!!! *TWEEET!* The referee demands a recall of that last play. *WHAM* And His Honor demands it be stricken from the record!

It is said that prior to the attacks of September the 11th, our government failed to connect the dots of the conspiracy. We now know that two of the hijackers in the United States placed telephone calls to al Qaeda operatives overseas. But we did not know about their plans until it was too late. So to prevent another attack –- based on authority given to me by the Constitution and by statute — I have authorized a terrorist surveillance program to aggressively pursue the international communications of suspected al Qaeda operatives and affiliates to and from America.

In other words, “I’m making the wire tapping thing legal, but only when it’s aimed at suspected al Qaeda operatives and affiliates. Oh, and by the way, until we can prove otherwise, EVERYONE’S A SUSPECT!”

(NOTE: I have skipped a small chunk of the address, here. The below quote has nothing to do with the above.)

The only alternative to American leadership is a dramatically more dangerous and anxious world.

Pssst, Britain… are you guys sleeping okay? If we sort of, uhm, well… stop trying to “lead” the world, will you guys still sleep okay?

Our own generation is in a long war against a determined enemy — a war that will be fought by Presidents of both parties, who will need steady bipartisan support from the Congress.

They don’t have much of a flipping choice, now.

(NOTE: Again a small portion skipped. It’s on to the economy.)

Here at home, America also has a great opportunity: We will build the prosperity of our country by strengthening our economic leadership in the world.

WOO——– wait… I’m going to see what’s next before I woot, this time.

Our economy is healthy and vigorous, and growing faster than other major industrialized nations. In the last two-and-a-half years, America has created 4.6 million new jobs — more than Japan and the European Union combined. (Applause.) Even in the face of higher energy prices and natural disasters, the American people have turned in an economic performance that is the envy of the world.

Okay, I’ll give it a half woot. WO–!

Why only a half? Because “Even in the face of higher energy prices and natural disasters…” Exxon/Mobile and Shell Oil both turned out record profits in 2005. Exxon/Mobile to the tune of over seventy billion dollars. Gee… and yet, I’m still paying over $2.50 a gallon at the pumps.

The American economy is preeminent, but we cannot afford to be complacent.

Preeminent, adj., Superior to or notable above all others; outstanding.
Complacent, adj., 1. Contented to a fault; self-satisfied and unconcerned. 2. Eager to please; complaisant.
Complaisant, adj. Exhibiting a desire or willingness to please; cheerfully obliging.

In a dynamic world economy, we are seeing new competitors, like China and India,

Would you believe, he’s about to link this back in with the commentary from earlier about terrorism?

and this creates uncertainty, which makes it easier to feed people’s fears.

Told you.

So we’re seeing some old temptations return. Protectionists want to escape competition, pretending that we can keep our high standard of living while walling off our economy. Others say that the government needs to take a larger role in directing the economy, centralizing more power in Washington and increasing taxes.

Party divisions, again, mayhaps?

We hear claims that immigrants are somehow bad for the economy — even though this economy could not function without them.

After all, someone has to clean the floors of the office buildings.

(Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hide under my desk with a small shotgun and several cases of ammunition, while I wait for the pissed off hordes to arrive at my door.)

Tonight I will set out a better path: an agenda for a nation that competes with confidence; an agenda that will raise standards of living and generate new jobs. Americans should not fear our economic future, because we intend to shape it.

I think this line is a requirement. All presidents must have it in at least one State of the Union address, per term. So is the “duh” line, coming up…

Keeping America competitive begins with keeping our economy growing. And our economy grows when Americans have more of their own money to spend, save, and invest.

…

In the last five years, the tax relief you passed has left $880 billion in the hands of American workers, investors, small businesses, and families — and they have used it to help produce more than four years of uninterrupted economic growth.

WOOT! Of course, working for $8.50 an hour (and that was after a year and two raises), I saw jack of all of that.

Yet the tax relief is set to expire in the next few years. If we do nothing, American families will face a massive tax increase they do not expect and will not welcome.

I for damned certain won’t welcome it. I know my parents won’t, either.

Because America needs more than a temporary expansion, we need more than temporary tax relief. I urge the Congress to act responsibly, and make the tax cuts permanent. (Applause.)

At this point, the entire Republican side of the room stood up and applauded. The Democrat side was too busy trying to find that damned chirping cricket.

Well, okay, that isn’t entirely true. John Kerry, and a couple of others near him, stood up and applauded. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, simply sat there looking smug. (Yes, damnit. I’m progressive in the majority of my politics, but when it comes to economics, I’m often conservative… Aside from that, I don’t see how permenant tax relief could be a bad thing.)

Keeping America competitive requires us to be good stewards of tax dollars. Every year of my presidency, we’ve reduced the growth of non-security discretionary spending, and last year you passed bills that cut this spending.

And amazingly, we were able to keep PBS, and a lot of important health and mental care systems.

This year my budget will cut it again, and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities.

Crap. *sigh* Here we go, again.

Wait. You know what… I want to see what those 140 programs are. If you don’t link to this entry, and don’t comment on anything about it, I urge you to copy this statement (or write one similar): “Mr. President, in your State of the Union address, you stated that your budget would ‘reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs’. We, as concerned Americans, in a democracy, would like to see which programs you are considering reducing, or eliminating. We request that you publically release a list of all such programs.”

By passing these reforms, we will save the American taxpayer another $14 billion next year, and stay on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009.

I’ve been out of work since November of 2004. It would be nice if some of that $14 billion in savings could go into the “get Eric a full time job” fund. (Yes, I could very easily have had a part time job, if I wanted to work at Wal*Mart, or the local grocery store, or convenience mart. Unfortunately, I would have had insane issues with the position, as I’m unable to stand on my left ankle for all that long without pain. Over the course or many days (and weeks), it builds up to where I am barely able to walk (old sports-related injury. If you could consider a horrendous sprain, and tearing of multiple ligaments, while playing arena lazer tag, a sports-related injury.))

I am pleased that members of Congress are working on earmark reform, because the federal budget has too many special interest projects. (Applause.)

At this applause break, the Democrats stood (well, all except for Hillary Clinton, and one other individual I could not identify), and applauded.

And we can tackle this problem together, if you pass the line-item veto. (Applause.)

At the end of that sentence, the entire Republican side remained standing, and the majority of Democrats sat.

Next year, I think the two parties should play musical chairs.

We must also confront the larger challenge of mandatory spending, or entitlements. This year, the first of about 78 million baby boomers turn 60, including two of my Dad’s favorite people — me and President Clinton. (Laughter.) This milestone is more than a personal crisis — (laughter) — it is a national challenge. The retirement of the baby boom generation will put unprecedented strains on the federal government. By 2030, spending for Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid alone will be almost 60 percent of the entire federal budget. And that will present future Congresses with impossible choices — staggering tax increases, immense deficits, or deep cuts in every category of spending.

I’m putting this there, because the humor was actually brought off with impeccable timing. That, and I’m setting you up for the next bit - the reason I feel they should play Musical Chairs:

Congress did not act last year on my proposal to save Social Security — (applause)

The entire Democrat side stood, and did more than applaud - they cheered, and I swear I saw Hillary making an Arsenio Hall motion — you know what I’m talking about.

yet the rising cost of entitlements is a problem that is not going away. (Applause.)

POOF! It’s a miracle! The Democrats and Republicans switched sides of the room, instantly!

Well, okay, what really happened is that the Democrat side of the room set land-speed records for sitting down, and the Republicans broke the sound barrier, standing.

So tonight, I ask you to join me in creating a commission to examine the full impact of baby boom retirements on Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid.

…and how much will the commission cost?

This commission should include members of Congress of both parties, and offer bipartisan solutions.

Not “non-partisan” solutions… Just bipartisan solutions.

We need to put aside partisan politics and work together and get this problem solved. (Applause.)

That line was not actually in the President’s original speech. He simply added it in to balance out the room. He was afraid if the Democrats and Republicans kept up with the constant switching who was up and who was down, he would get sea sick.

Keeping America competitive requires us to open more markets for all that Americans make and grow. One out of every five factory jobs in America is related to global trade, and we want people everywhere to buy American.

The problem is that in China, they want people everywhere to buy Chinese. In England, they want people everywhere to buy British. In… well, you get the picture.

What we need is to perfect light-speed (or faster than light) travel, and find a nearby planet that is at approximately the same level of technology as Earth, and is so damned tired of making their own stuff, that they want to import everything from here.

Previous page...
Story continues on next page...